I feel a deep sadness and it has fully taken hold of me today. I feel almost desperate to hear his laughter and be the one to bring him joy. I want to...hear all about his day and have long conversations on subjects we have discussed a million times before. I want to talk about the impossible dream of a life we could have together. I want to hear him say that he loves me just as much as I love him. But I can't because he does not love me. That fact is heartbreakingly true. He loves someone else. He said jokingly ‘I’m sorry were we going somewhere?’ I had picked up the condom wrapper and took it to my room, after having confused and kissed him. We made it to my room and I had turned on the florescent light. I warned him after it came on. I knew what I was doing that was all that mattered. I had attempted to leave the light on, but my bed being close to the outlet, it kept going off and on. Which caught him by surprise. I then unplugged it because a deer caught in headlights look is not. When they put me under I had a vision of the deer I’d killed and gutted. It had been a doe, a female, in season so I hadn’t felt bad at the time. With my legs spread and held apart by metal as my insides were pulled I felt like a traitor. I felt like a cannibal, that I had killed and eaten a more graceful version of myself. On the way back home I sobbed through the drugs for the downy girl creature I’d done away with, blasted out of this world, desecrated and devoured. I have never mourned my. An untidy row of empty bottles lined the hall-way, and some magazines had been left on the floor in an untidy heap where Emma had dropped them and had never bothered to throw away. The living room where Emma took them to was similarly untidy. Cushions lying on the floor, a rug turned up at the corner, records and books scattered about randomly. Normally Emma was so tidy. Almost obsessively so. And now everything was untidy and unclean. Even her long hair was tangled and unwashed, and Charlotte.
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